Monday, September 17, 2012

The Plant Rant

I've been trying to greenify our house, and mostly succeeding, but this one piece of flora, something-something-vein-plant, has been really difficult to please.
I've done everything my book said to do - it was repotted into an unglazed clay pot for optimal moisture circulation;
I put it in a glass "cage" to help increase humidity;
it was out of direct sun, but with plenty of indirect light;
the cat (who never had any interest in something so plantasticaly unchewable, anyway) couldn't get to it;
I even gave it proper fertilization and a pebble tray, but noooooo!

If I gave it a bit too much water, this something-something-vein-punk would act like I drowned it, and the second the soil would dry a little too much, it would droop like it suddenly found itself in the heart of the Sahara with no means of getting back to civilization. Now, here is the deal: my day job does not happen to be keeping optimal soil moisture for the punk-ass-vein plant. It, in fact, involves me being away from home, so I can - at best - dedicate only a portion of my evening to watering the plants. All my other plants are totally cool with this arrangement. But not this something-something dude. I can't control how much the soil will dry between morning and evening, but that's all it would take to get this bastard to start reenacting Ophelia's death scene.

My book said that it was a delightful ground cover and could be planted around taller plants to provide a nice contrast. Well, as far as contrast, I can see it - a healthy happy plant with the something-something-vein-dumbass drooping moodily in the background, but I'm not sure I'd call it delightful.
Also, the book said that I could pinch the plant regularly to keep it bushy, and if it got too leggy I could ground a segment and it would grow roots. In all the time I had the dubious honor of knowing this plant, it grew several "legs", but only one managed to root, and when I was repotting it into the unglazed clay pot, a chunk of soil fell off the root ball and there was exactly ONE root on that "leg". ONE! It bloody had a year to get its business in order and grow a decent root system, but noooo, it was too busy freaking me out with its droopage.

So, naturally, after getting repotted (oh, and I checked to see if I maybe inadvertently tore the other roots when I was repotting it, and nope, it was the only one this "leg" bothered to grow) the stupid appendage died. The main plant held on a while longer, but yesterday, when I looked at it, it was languishing like an opium addict all across the pot. So I tore it out and threw it in the trash. As a lesson to all my other plants, I did it right in front of them, because if I learned anything useful from "Good Omens", it is this particular gardening technique.

I expect my future indoor gardening to go much smoother.

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